without Carter there wouldn't be a Dean
by hottie555
Summary: Dean dosn't blame Jamie, Dosn't blame Ty and he dosn't Blame Carter even though he's pretty sure he helped.
1. Chapter 1

Dean Bendis had had a rough week on top of a rough past, and was dealt the worst hand in life. Everything was wrong and in so many ways. Sometimes he'd even think that before Carter found him he was probably was better off, because there wasn't anyone to disappoint. He'd been okay with being a loser, he'd been okay with being alone, simply because the loneliness was unconditional.

He hated it when he disappointed Carter, those blue angry eyes looking into his emotionless ones. He hated it worst when Carter made him stay in the most dangerous of situations and the most dangerous places, among the most dangerous of people. It made him feel like Carter didn't care if he got killed. All Carter wanted was for the job to be done. Nothing more and nothing less.

His job. Dean's job, the job that haunted him almost every waking second of his life.

That was why he drank: to forget the job. Drank until his mind couldn't even function enough to turn a doorknob, but sometimes that didn't work. He'd even hang out with Jamie, not just to sleep with her but to talk, because she got him in ways that most people didn't.

Jamie got him, got why he did what he did. She didn't care about who he shot at that day because she'd shot at the same person. That was what made the sex so much better. But Dean knew he couldn't have a real relationship with Jamie. Jamie was unstable and she couldn't handle the smallest things. Not that Jamie was the main cause of why they couldn't have relationship; no, it was because Dean couldn't love anyone. Well, it wasn't so much that he couldn't but because he didn't want to. Because he didn't want to disappoint anyone.

That was why he was 'okay' when he went to Jamie's house and she was back with her boyfriend. It didn't bother him because they had nothing more then sex. Just sex, nothing else. It might have not seemed that way when he saw the man and knew he was back in her bed, but Dean told himself it was a weak moment.

Somehow he felt that he'd disappointed himself because he'd seen it coming and he wished he could have prepared himself better for it. He should've seen it coming, anyway, and he should have accepted that and not let himself be bothered by Scott at Jaimie's.

Dean told himself it was just another weak moment.

It seemed to him like he'd having too many of them lately, and the worst part was that it wasn't because of Jamie. It had nothing to do with Jaimie. It was Carter, always Carter. It was Carter, after all, that made him feel like an idiot for not changing his clothes when he went home and then calling him out about it the next day.

It was Carter that made him shift his weight impatiently from foot to foot because he asked Dean, had he eaten anything that day, or the day before?

And not even Dean could deny him when he came over with bag of groceries, told him to "stop spending his money on beer and buy some food." Because Carter was a cop. Carter took all those moments of weakness and stockpiled them in his head, and later, when Dean denied them, Carter pulled them out and neatly displayed them just like a regular cop displayed his evidence.

But those were weak moments. Dean tried to pretend the games he played with Carter were not weak moments, but they were. Dean knew they were, and he was pretty sure Carter knew, too.

He hated Carter for doing that to him. He hated playing cat-and-mouse games. Especially when Carter was always the cat


	2. Chapter 2

2 : The Impossible

Dean closes his eyes and try's to envision his last night with Jamie. He's frustrated because his body is not doing what it's suppose to be doing. Doesn't even work when he uses his imagination to make it better.

He's not surprise that he has to reach under his bed to pull out some old magazines, he's not surprise either when he hears a loud knock at the door .

And one swift move he's out of bed looking through the peep hole .He laughs, right on time he thought .He unlocks all 6 bolts from the door and cracks just enough to see the persons face even though he knows who it is .

" Yes" he tries to keep the annoyance out of his voice

He lifts the bag and his hand and shoves his way past Dean not surprise that he didn't make a better effort to stop him .

" What do I owe this special visit " Dean says acidly and stares blindly into the table in front of him.

" Always sarcastic I see " Carter says softly

He looks at Dean and smiles briefly, and then, Dean wants him to stop being Carter and

turn into officer Lt. Shaw

Dean looks threw the two plastic bags and finally finds what he's looking for .

" Do you drink everyday "

" Only on my bad days" he walks over to the sofa and sits down " which is everyday" he finishes .

Carter walks over and sits across from him and they stare at the black TV screen.

Then, Carter lifts his gaze from the TV and lays it on Dean, and Dean hates it, hates it, but he immediately regrets that he let him in . He hates it when Carter traps him, just by making those concerned eyes so unbelievably, coldly, dreadfully _disappointed, _and then, not even Dean can stay untouched.

" Didn't Eat today "

It's a statement, not a question.

" Why hadn't you eaten anything " he asks, his voice laced with anger

Dean shrugs

"had to get good vodka "

Carter sighs _– disappointed – _

" Well god forbid you spend to much money on alcohol, so you can't afford food "

Dean doesn't know how to answer that, so he doesn't.

" Is that all you came over to do, is to judge me cause you should be the last person to ever judge anyone" He hisses.

Carter stares at him, he's not going to leave cause he's not going give up .

Carter stands and walks over to Dean never taking his eyes off of him, he bends at the knee's and takes the beer out of Dean's hand.

" What did you do that for " he reaches for the beer .

Carter takes his sun glasses off

" You don't deserve it, Dean"

Dean huffs, He knows there playing Carters game again . Carter leans in closer, so close Dean can feel his breath on his face .

" yeah, and why don't I deserve it " he asks

Carter was right at Deans mouth when he gave a wryly smile .

" Because naughty little boys don't get beers" he crushes his lips to Deans, and they kiss .

Carter pulls away .

Dean tries to steady his breath, make it seem like that kiss had no affect on him .

Dean hates him for that. Hates him and wants him even more.

But Carter knew him, so when he took his hand and lad him in to the bedroom and pushed him down on the bed. He didn't refuse . Dean liked it when Carter took control it wasn't really any chance he could screw it up .

Carter was on top of him, both still fully dressed

" Sleep" he whispers in Dean ear " when's the last time you slept"

Hisses simply because when Carter brings up his problems, it gets so damn obvious whose fault it is he's like this.

" Don't know, don't remember" he says icily, upset Carter didn't kiss him

He wanted carter to kiss him, he needed Carter to kiss him , like he needed air to breathe or he'll die . He needed Carter or he felt like he'll die .

He presses himself against Carter's leg hoping to get some relief. He wants to yell at Carter to do something and stop sitting there, but nothing ever comes out .Carter pulls a pill out his pocket and presses it to Dean lips after what seemed like eternity he took it and swallowed it dry .

" What was it" Dean asks dryly

Carter kisses the tip of his nose

" It'll help you sleep"

Dean already knew what was going to be coming next, he tried to hurry and get off on Carters leg .Carter kissed him one last time .

" what else did you do wrong, Dean?"

Dean hates him .

Dean hates his pity

" I didn't return all the money to you from the drug dealer and I hadn't eaten a full meal in three days" He sighed.

frustrated he couldn't get a better position under Carter .

Carter knew It's time to get the real Dean Bendis out in the open, come up with a solution for his problems and blame his mother and that terrible thing that happened in that bathroom a few years back .

Because the poor kid can't keep living like this. He needs someone to take care of him and wipe away the tears that he sobs silently in the dark of the night when he's all alone.

" Say it" Carter whispers " Say it, Dean"

Dean doesn't want to, doesn't want to admit the truth, doesn't want to help get Carter off cause he's not helping him.

" Say it !" Carter yells, shattering the silence .

Dean's shudders " I've been bad Carter and I'm sorry"

This gives Carter a since of over all relief. He knew Dean needed this, like everyone needed to cry he needed to confess all his sin, small to big.

Carter kissed him again and again till he felt that kisses were getter lighter, till he saw Dean eyes closing . Till he herd soft snoring coming from below him .


	3. Chapter 3

**Later on in life, Dean will never understand how he could walk around for the whole day, more anxious than usual, sure, but still surprisingly normal.**

**Maybe he just wants to walk around there and live his normal life. Maybe he knows on some level, even though it will be such a big shock later on, that the life he's built up soon will be broken, crushed and shattered, and nothing will be left.**

**Like there's anything to be broken .**

**But he doesn't think about that right now. **

**He only thinks about Carter and when he's going to come out the building safe and unharmed. He knew he should have went in, should have made a better effort to take Carters place. **

**He cursed himself under his breath .**

**Carter didn't care how Dean felt about him going in undercover without anyone . That if he got hurt it would shatter Dean's heart . **

**He doesn't care.**

**Carter knows. And he doesn't care**

**Completely quiet.**

**There are usually at least some noise. Some rattling with the chains, some pounding on the doors. But now, it's completely quiet. That almost annoys him. Only the dull thumps from his boots against the floor are heard, and what's he supposed to do with that?**

**It annoyed him, there had to be a van full of cops but not one person had made a noise for what seamed like ages. **

**Only the static from the walkie talkie and the static in the air that was it, nothing else. **

**And Dean screams. Into nothing, without words, without strength, just a completely brief, frustrated shout, and makes Ty jump, drop his phone, see him. Has to see him.**

" **I'm going in, I can't wait any longer!" Dean roars, his green eyes flaming. **

" **I cant let you do that , man . You will ruin everything we set up just by walking in there" he grabs ****Deans arm .**

**Dean tries to pull away but he knows it's useless. **

**Silence.**

**If something went wrong he would hold that over Ty's head, till the day he died.**

**The walkie talkie buzzed, then what he had waited for almost three hours for .**

" **Ok, were on the west wing . Just made the deal" his voice was calm, no strain or nervousness .**

**That's all he needed, that's all they needed . They went in and made the bust, finding what they already confirmed there . **

**Carter had shot at, punched, and kicked about half the guys there, but he was bound to get hurt. He never showed it but Dean knew, saw it, saw the way he limped back to his car and dove off. Leaving him with Ty. **

**Jamie had left, Boyfriend was sick. Had to take care of him . **

**Pathetic. Couldn't take care of himself when he had a little cold. Dean huffed **

**Now it was only him and Ty .**

" **You want to go get a beer or two?" he looked over at Dean who was staring out the window " my treat " .**

**Dean shook his head " No, just take me back to office" he mutters**

**The office is where Carter would be, he was always there.**

" **why would you want to go back there ?, we can go to strip club anything you want" Ty's eyes were **

**full of concern .**

**Deans closes his eye, couldn't, wouldn't look at the concerned worried eyes that fell on him. **

" **what is with all the questions Ty just take me back, I don't want to hang out !" he hisses " I just **

**want to go back to the office"**

**Ty gives him a look, and now, it's his eyes that are covered with ice, and Dean hates that, but he doesn't have to see them for long, he quickly starts the car up and they drive off. **

"**You know I'm trying to help you, right?"**

**Softly. Like a growl.**

**Dean feels nothing.**


	4. Chapter 4

XXX

Quiet, it stays quiet only the cars that sped by made a faint sound. For once in that day, Dean liked the quiet he had chance to think why Carter left so quickly. Was he disappointed in him? Did Ty tell him he was going to go make a move without is consent ? God, the words just feel wrong on his tongue.

" God, damit Ty did you say anything to Carter about me not waiting?"

He saw the muscles and Ty's jaw clench and unclench. " Is this what this is about, are you getting paranoid that the boss may fire you ?" He pauses " Or is it something else, cause you've been out of it lately Dean."

"No " he shakes his head regretting he said anything " just fucking drop it, ok"

But when Ty, calm, secure, anger-doesn't-solve-anything-Ty, suddenly turns into everything he's not supposed to be…Then it's another one of those times when Dean can't stay untouched.

"I know _everything _about you, Dean," he yells, with pressure on every syllable "But weather you like it or not, I care about you and I want to know what's wrong with my friend! "

Dean wants to nod, agree out of a reflex like a scared little boy, agree just to make Ty stop sounding like that, just because he doesn't like Ty's voice that way, but he keeps his stone face, forces his gaze to drip with disdain

He was almost overjoyed when they pulled in the office garage

" Dean, don't do anything stupid tonight. Promise me you'll go home after you leave here" He tried to keep the concern out his voice, but somehow it was still there.

Deans body stiffened " Promise" his voice was low .He hoped he didn't have to repeat himself.

He saw a slight nod before the car pulled off and went on it's rout, to wherever . Ty was - disappointed- Dean knew it . Later on he'll say it was a weak moment .

The office was dark but the loom of the light from the corner told Dean, Carter was there. He was always there working, drinking it was his second home . Dean turn the corner, waited to be acknowledge .He watched as Carter cut out a news clipping and placed it in a folder, but not once did he look at Dean. This is when Dean hated the quiet, the silence, agonizing wait for Carter to say " hi ".

" What can I do for you Dean" He said, swiveling his chair around. Dean fidget he wasn't sure why he came, he couldn't even think of an excuse to why he was their.

Silence.

Carter turned back around and looked at the folder before closing it, discarding it into the file case. He sighed

"Have you been bad, Dean?" raising an eyebrow, curiosity was getting to him "only been a week since.." his voice died . Dean knew what he was talking about .

Carter watch as Dean stood, stood with his gaze lowered and a nervous smile, he shuffled his feet a little while Carter just stared at him in awe, Dean looked up, briefly, so briefly, and then couldn't contain himself anymore, he mumbled something sarcastic, to Carter, maybe to his own weakness, and he took two big strides and fell into Carter's arms, wet his neck with tears that he tried to keep away with an angry fist on his cheeks.

Carter tries to think what does Dean do when he isn't there.

Can't stand the thought of the drugs, the alcohol, the self starving.

So he doesn't think about it.

Switches off. Doesn't think. And doesn't work.

So, Carter wrapped his arms around the fragile creature and kissed it's forehead. Never wanting to let go.

__________________________________________________________XXxxxXX

Ok, I have question . when I edit my story with Doc manager I try to space my story's paragraphs and when I save it. the space's I put there arn't there anymore . How can I fix that problem?


	5. Chapter 5

Over the next couple of days, Carter entire life seems to revolve around convincing Dean take better care of himself . Dean mostly replies to this by rolling his eyes, because he sees absolutely no point in pointing this out.

He really couldn't say much, though. Dean had just given them the best lead they had had in weeks and, with luck, they would be able to catch this nut-case who liked to play with bombs and wrap it up that day.

Dean helped. He was proud of him.

Carter took a moment to watch the activity around him. The bad guys had been caught and were being led away. The police officers were slowly clearing out of the area. Finally, his eyes fell upon his colleagues' faces. He noticed that they looked relieved and happy to have the case wrapped up.

Aspect Dean, he seemed to never be happy or relieved with anything. Carter sighed, wishing he could help Dean, help him scare all the monsters away in his closet that were harming him.

But he knew that would be impossible.

Something he'll curse himself later on .

The bags under Deans eyes were unbelievable, he had bags under his bags. It could have been from the lack of food or most likely the lack of sleep, or no sleep at all.

He sighed- he worried to much .

He worried about if he didn't play his games with Dean that if he stop, Dean may spiral out of control . Hurt someone, hurt himself .

And he didn't think Dean could handle the everyday stress his job brought on without him . So, once more it was time to restart all the pieces and roll the dice.

Carter had the first move . He rolled a twelve .

Twelve steps they took to his car, twelve steps it took to walk into his apartment from the elevator.

Carter shut the door quietly behind him, watch as Dean sat down on the sofa with expression that was priceless. It was like watching a dog back a cat into a corner, or a cat cornering a mouse .

Yes. Dean had sat on that damn chair, waiting patiently for Carter to come back from the kitchen area . when Carter came back , he didn't even dare to give in to that warm wave that rose in his bitterly brewing soul and throw his arms around Carter's neck, didn't even dare to allow that lump that lingered in his throat to melt and pour out of his eyes.

He didn't dare. Because that wasn't his thing.

He didn't do it because he was a chicken.

Carter handed him two sleeping pills and order him to go lay down in the bedroom, Carter's bedroom.

And Dean did what he was told, he laid down in Carter's warm soft bed, hoping he will never have to get up. He inhaled the sent of Carter and held his breath . For once in a long time Dean felt safe and protected and it was because of Carter.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Carter watched Dean sleep. He loved watching how he twitched and rolled around in his sleep, he loved listening to his occasional, sleepy moans, and he snickered every time Dean mumbled a random word and sighed heavily.

"Hng…" the sleeping man groaned, "mm… cold…"

He lifted the blanket and laid down next to Dean, wrapping his right arm around him, pulling him closer. He then drew his tongue over his neck, slowly and gently, and whispered in his ear:

"Better?"

He herd a happy sleepy moan .

Carter planted an unbearably light kiss on Dean's soft, parted lips, his heart jumping as his Sleeping Beauty emitted a low, happy sigh. His heart convulsed in pain, though, as he pulled away and Dean's brows furrowed as he whimpered softly and stretched his neck to reach Carter.

"Mno… Carte…"

For a few minutes, all Carter could hear was Dean's heavy, hypnotizing breathing. He had gotten so used to the sound of it that he actually startled when a frail, slurred voice cut through the silence.

"Y-… Y'know what I like 'bout you, Cart?"

He gave Dean's arm a light squeeze.

"And… mn… when you put your arms 'round me… I feel safe… a-… and loved."

Carter didn't dare to respond with words, he didn't want to wake Dean up completely, so he just tightened the grip he had on Dean's waist. Dean seemed to like that.

Although Dean's words were slurred by emotion and sleep, Carter could easily understand him

"Well, thanks." Carter whispered.

"If you left me," he mumbled as he furrowed his brows .

Carter's confusion rose again.

"Just… stay with me. Mkay?"

"Okay" He said quietly . " I'll never leave you"

Dean smiled and listened to the calming vibrations in Carter's chest. And he started humming. He couldn't recall where he had heard the melody in the first place, but he still got warm on the inside as Dean moaned sleepily and gently kissed his neck.

_____________________________________________________________-_--________-

I know, total fluff story but I liked it *giggles* . I'm hoping you liked just as much as me.


	6. Chapter 6

After closing their last case, Carter went directly to his apartment. He didn't stay behind to have a drink with his team, nor did he go to his office to shuffle some paper around, like he would normally do whenever he finished a difficult case.

He took off his coat, his shoes, his gun and his badge without really thinking about it, because it was an automatism at that point, it was something he did each and every day without having to spare a thought.

His mind kept replaying the moment him and Jamie pretended to be a couple, that kiss he tried so hard to forget . He watched as Dean pretended not to care, pretend like nothing didn't break inside him that split second they

crushed their lips together . If Carter believed that didn't hurt Dean then he was a idiot . But that's a small price he had to pay to keep his team safe and put a bad guy behind bars.

…."Just… stay me. with Mkay?…

Even after two weeks those words were burned inside of his eyelids, every time he blinked he would see Dean face, see him mouth the words . Those feelings that stop his heart and restarted again came back full ten . Every time he thinks the heightened emotion had dissipated, there was still that lump in his throat that wouldn't go away .

Carter sighed as he realized he had left his laptop in the office building. _Crap_.

Thirty minutes later he pulled into the parking lot and parked in the designated spot marked on the sign. Lt _Carter Shaw:_. He was tempted to go back after he saw Deans car parked not two rows down from his car, but he still needed his laptop.

Carter got out and headed for the building. It was now or never.

As he entered the bullpen, he took a glance around. He didn't see anyone but he herd noises coming from the back . A quick look around the corner revealed what he already suspected . Dean and Ty lounging around on the furniture drinking beer, and the noise he herd was coming from Ty's mp3 player.

As he walked into the room, Ty looked up and greeted him with a smile. "Hey Carter. What are you doing here?"

"I just came to pick up my laptop. I left it here because I had to rush to go do something. But everything's fine now so I'll be on my way." He found his computer bag " I hope both of you are not planning on driving home".

Ty waved his hand " No, Mel is supposed to be picking me up to go her parents house. that's why I'm drinking." He held the bottle up in the air .

" So, that just leaves you Dean" Carter had been walking towards the door to leave, but stop to see what Dean's answer would be.

The irrigated grunt he herd didn't surprise him, an fact Dean annoying him since he had entered the room didn't surprise him either.

" Don't know Carter did you want to drive me home or someth……" Ty's phone rang cutting him off before he could compete his sentence.

Ty hurried and drowned the rest of his beer down before getting up and sprinting out the door, but before he left he thanked Dean for hanging out with him and told him they should do it again.

" So, did you wan to drive me home?" Dean asked.

Cater couldn't tell if he was been sarcastic or not .

" I don't know Dean maybe I should just let you walk home or take bus" Carter continued his journey to his car.

Carter herd some not pleasant mumbling and then Dean was at his side, with a frown on his face that read " I'm only going with you because I don't want to take the bus" .

XXXXX

Dean Bendis is in pain.

He's in such an awful pain.

He's gets in the car, he squeezes his eyes shut, tries to be strong, tries to think his suffering away. He knows there's a simple way to make the agony go away. But just the thought of going to get something to eat  
makes his stomach turn, despite the pain.

Dean scoffs and pulls his jacket closer to his body, getting a look from Carter.

Carter looked .

"Something wrong Dean ?" curiosity rising .

He shook his head, regretting it immediately the feeling of nausea was coming back " no " his voice was just over a whisper.

Carter glares at him.

Deans mind has something to finally think about other then the pain in his stomach " Carter this isn't my house "

Carter open his door and gets out " I know it's mine" .

The car door slams and Dean is left alone with the pain in his stomach .


	7. Chapter 7

Jesus.

Dean chuckles nervously and has to stop in the middle of the room.

He acts like he's sentenced to death. Like someone who's sitting in a cell for the last

hours in his life, watches the second hand on his watch slowly ticking towards his faith.

And it's still just an ordinary day.

He sits down and tries to think the pain away again but, this time he has Carter to focus on . He tries to hurry and think of a excuse to run away and never look back on this moment, watching Carter was freaking him out . Even for Dean this was past weird, watching Carter walk around his house straighten and picking up stuff and making dinner. .

Not once have he said anything to Dean.

It was just the eerie silence that so painfully ate at his insecurities.

Dean stares at his feet, cursing them in his mind for not getting up and walking out the door. " Carter I have to get home " he barely says over a whisper .

" Alright, I wasn't inviolably holding you here Dean, I just thought you wanted a home cook meal " Carter says from the kitchen .

Still Dean doesn't move.

Now more then ever he just wants to stay and be with Carter but, he'll never admit it even if his soul depended on it . Dean gives his legs one more try and after the second attempt he just finally gives up, feeling the wash of ultimate failure sweeping over him .

" Dean "

He looks up and see's carter staring down at him almost, with a look of awe on his face . Then something in Dean breaks maybe it was his heart or was it something he never knew was there . Whatever it was he didn't have the courage to look at Carter anymore .

" I … just.." he starts but, couldn't finish.

_Pussy, that little voice in his head says._

Dean can't disagree. And that annoys him.

" Is the food ready, Carter" he quickly asks before, he lets carter makeup his mind that something actually may be wrong with him .

" Yeah, Dean the food is ready" he mutters.

_If Carter knew I lived like this… _

He can't stop himself. The thought rings in Dean's mind, and it's so stupid, really.

Carter isn't his dad.

Dean draws in a puff of air .

He'll get by. He always gets by.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Carter sat down at the table and unfolded his napkin, poured a glass a wine for himself and Dean then waited . He watched Dean stare at his plate with bitter disgust in his eyes.

" Is there something wrong with it, Dean" he questioned, without breaking his focus from cutting his steak .

He waited to here some kind of acrimonious responses but, nothing ever came .

But instead he herd a painful short cry that broke his attention from his food, back on to Dean .

" I … can't eat this" his voice was barely audible .

Carter politely sat all his utensils down and turn his full his attention to Dean, who so badly wanted it . " How long Dean" he asked .

Dean kept his eye on the floor " five days."

Some how Carter wasn't stunned or shocked, a normal person would be but, not him .

" right?" he says . " so, how would you like to handle this Dean".

Carter stood and walked over and put a hand on Dean's shoulder.

The younger man relaxed , slightly .

" Carter" he whispered

" choose " Carter commanded " A bite from anything on your plate or ten with the paddle"

" The paddle" Dean almost said at once

Carter sighed, he had hoped to could get Dean to eat first. So, he pulled out a chair from the table and drag it into the middle of the room then, went to fetch the paddle .

Carter sat down and patted his knee. "Come here"

Slowly, Dean walked towards him and carefully position himself across Carters lap, bottom in the air .

Carter watch as dean gripped the leg of his pants tightly with shaky hands then, he raised the paddle and brought it back down hard across Dean's bottom .

Carter flipped the paddle in his hand and brought it down again and again across Dean's buttocks. Dean yelped ever time the paddle came down , the burning that was coming from his backside was horrendous .

" should we continue or are you going to eat ?" he tried to manage to keep any anger out his voice .

" I can't eat" Dean murmured

Carter picked the paddle back up " Then, we continue"

He didn't want to hurt Dean, that was the last thing he ever wanted but, if it had to be done it had had to be done.

After coming short of fifteen Carter sat the paddle back down " Was that a very sensible choice ?"

" No" a small whimper came from below him

"Are you ready ?" he asked, hoping he would choose to eat . If he didn't then he would just have to wait till Dean collapsed, put a feeding tube in him .

" Yeah "

Dean struggled to his feet. Carter looked into his face. There were tears in his eyes and his face was flushed.

He didn't look at Carter.

Dean sat at the table, he looked more anxious then ever but he sat on the chair without arguing. Carter sat in the next chair along.

He held the fork to his lips, his fingers tight around it. For a moment he looked like he was going to retch. But, with a glance at Carter, he took a tiny bite.

After the plate was have empty, Dean put his fork down and glanced at Carter who was now done eating.

Carter watched him fidget .

He knew what he wanted but, he wanted him to ask .

" Carter…." Dean stared back down at his plate .

" Take me to bed , Carter " he begged .

Carter nodded

" ..And ….I'm sorry" Dean finishes


	8. It's always about You

Hi everybody and sorries to everybody, but even though it almost took me a whole year I UPDATED. I know boo me, but look at the bright side. At least I updated, not to many people come back to a story after a year. Well, not everybody I know. I hope to finish this chapter at least by next weekend.

Anyways…Enjoy.

XXXxxxxXXXXxxxxxXXXXX

" Dean !"

The breath comes out in burning thrusts, his chest is aching, because he's running, he's running quicker than he's ever done before, his shoes are smacking against the floor beneath him.

"Dean!"

He's running. He's running towards something that he doesn't even know where it is, he just knows that it's in here, in this very room, Dean is in here even though he doesn't have to be, Carter could've stopped it.

His head is spinning, the corridor is spinning, he tastes blood in the back of his throat.

The words "Why" run trough his oxygen-deprived brain so many times he has hard time figuring out which way is which. He stops outside one of the doors, gun withdrew.

"Why, did Dean have to go against orders ?."

" Why, was he so damn stubborn ? ".

And he's scared. He's so damn scared of what he'll see when he opens the door.

He's in the room within 2-seconds, gun pointed. Dean body moves slightly, but there a big chance that Dean merely just hears Carter in his half unconsciousness state. Carter surveys the area one last time before he's at Deans side.

" Damn it, Dean ! "

Carter doesn't know what else to say. There really is no another way to express everything he feels right now, his joy and his anxiety, his sorrow and his relief, his love and his fury.

So he just bends down, doesn't really hug him, just presses his forehead against Dean's shoulder, grabs his jacket, feels the bones under Dean's skin, his body doesn't have any warmth, no warmth at all.

" Dean " he whispers softly into his shoulder.

And a another wave panic courses trough his veins, his heart is in his throat, but the heart isn't beating.

"Damn it, Dean! Damn it, damn it, damn it!"

Carter pulls away from Dean's body slightly. And now he's staring at the once limp, slumped, and cold body that he was willing to do anything for, just to hear him tell another egotistic, narcissistic, and anything-else-that-was-in-his-head-at-time joke.

Was now laughing, yes, laughing and not just laughing, but was in a deep hearted laughter.

Dean lifts his arms and puts them around Carter's shoulders, laughing all the while. " Carter, you should have seen your face !" Dean chuckles and tightens his grip on Carter's shoulders.

And now.

Carter wants to yell at Dean ask him why was he so careless, but instead he says nothing. The silence is like a damp, sour dishcloth between them, and Dean won't, can't let go, can't until Carter pulls away hastily, fixes his jacket and walks away.

He calls the team, tells them he'll be at the office in a hour and that he and Dean were alright. Then, Carter lifts his gaze from his blackberry and lays it on Dean, and Dean hates it, hates it, but he immediately regrets what he's done.

The fire in Carters eyes fades out. Now, he looks down, sighs slowly and tiredly, and when he speaks up, Dean has to repress his own relief, because his voice is normal.

" I'll be in the car Dean" Carter says softly, still without actually looking at him.

He doesn't look at him.

After this entire year, after all of Dean's dry shots at his confidence, he still cares.

XXXxxxXXXXxxxXXXXX

Dean hates police stations. From now on, he does. He hates police stations and he hates police officers. Which is very hypocritical. He's part of the system, and it's not even true. He doesn't hate police officers.

Sure, he might not like police officers, because he doesn't think much of his colleges, since they're way too much like himself, they don't feel and they don't think, they just do

And he doesn't think much of his own police officer-self. At least not much of the one he used to be.

But he will change now. He swears that as he sits on a bench handcuffed, restless and annoyed, eager to get on his feet again, to get out into the halls of this police station, since it's never been this obvious that these people can't do anything without him there.

But that's not why he hates cops.

He hates cops because they won't listen to him.

Because they make him feel like a goddamned little kid again, they look down on him with eyes that are so disgustingly _pitiful, _so all together let's-not-tell-him-what-a-little-moron-he-is-because-then-he-won't-eat-his-dinner, like _he's _the one that needs to be taken care of.

If Carter would had picked up is phone, would had been there, Dean would've had some concrete _evidence, _the goddamned Police officers would've seen what he was talking about and Carter would've clawed those pitiful eyes out for him, since Dean still can't move his hands.

How much easier things would be.

He hates doctors. And he hates cops, he hates everyone else in this room and he hates the room itself because Carter isn't in it.

"Dean Bendis, Your bail has been paid so, your free" a cops utters, barely over whisper as he unlocks the metal door.

"Look," Dean says, keeps telling himself _anger doesn't give information _even though every nerve in his body is a white-hot violin string by now. "I know you all looked through that warehouse over and over. I know that. I get that. But I still need you to look through it again, because you obviously missed the man that is smuggling truck loads of methamphetamines into this country. That is a fact"

He literally feels one person losing interest in him with every word he says, but he doesn't care. None of them are as annoyed as he is, anyway. Even if he doesn't show it.

One cop is still bearing with him, though. But Dean doesn't know his name, because of course, he didn't introduce himself when he came in, he's way too busy and important for that, and Dean tries not to think _well, I was, too, and look where that got me_, but it's hard.

"Follow me and you can sign some papers and you can get out of here " Another nameless detective says, with his eyes fixed on the notepad he has in his hand, and Dean is pretty happy about that, since he really is sick of those pitiful eyes, but in the meantime, it makes him feel more ignored than ever before, and that makes him want to break something.

"And more than anything," the detective goes on, and now, he actually does look at Dean, "we've dragged that warehouse nonstop for the past two days, and found nothing. Doesn't that tell you anything?"

Dean puts two fingers against the tip of his nose and counts silently to ten to keep himself from giving every single person in the room a good punch in the face.

_Yes, _it does," he then says, finishing signing the last two papers and receiving his processions.

So desperate. Not nearly as he usually was, without the need to nag or persuade at all, because he was Dean, Dean Bendis, and he'd get his way sooner or later, anyway.

And it is for no purpose. Because the detective has already stopped listened to him, his pen has slipped into his breast pocket and his secretary is already fidgeting with the doorknob.

"I believe my work here's done," the detective says and stands up. "Good luck with your case, but next time don't trespass, and stay in your limits Dean"


End file.
